WHAT WOULD I TELL MY YOUNGER SELF ON HIS WEDDING DAY?

By Nnaoke Ufere, PhD

If I could speak to the man I was at 29 on his wedding day, what would I tell him?

I’d begin with a fundamental truth: marriage is give-and-take and if you only focus on taking, or taking more than you give, you will have an unhappy married life or lose your marriage.

I’d tell him that love, honesty and communication are the bedrock of a happy marriage.

I’d tell him to deeply understand the meaning of the word “love” from the perspective of his spouse. I would encourage him to fulfill his role as a lover, a confidant, and a companion accordingly.

I’d tell him to never leave the home without looking directly into the eyes of his spouse and tell her “I love you.” 

Never ever forget their anniversaries, I would tell him. Do something you know will make her happy. It is a truism that “happy wife, happy life.”

I would tell him to find common shared interests and enjoy them together. But know when she needs her space and respect it.

I would tell him to build strong supportive relationships with his in-laws. When in-law relationships are strong, they can provide critical support when you need them. They can also help raise children when you and your spouse just aren’t able to juggle it all. 

I would urge my younger self to be more reflective, more accepting, more forgiving — to let small grievances fall away quickly, never let problems go unresolved for long, and never let anger linger.

Argue less, listen more, I would tell him. 

I would tell him to avoid pretending to have all the answers even before he hears his spouse’s questions. I would tell him it’s manly to admit his mistakes and apologize sincerely when he wrongs his spouse. I would also tell him he should role-model honesty, love and care by his deeds every day. 

I would tell him being a couple and building a life together means sharing in its everyday obligations and responsibilities – cleaning the house, doing the laundry, grocery-shopping, preparing meals, doing dishes, etc.

I’d tell him that raising kids is a shared responsibility, not just his spouse’s. I’d tell him to be present and engaged in the lives of his children. The grass is greener where you water it. No other success can compensate for failure in the home.

I would tell him to ground his children in a religious and cultural upbringing; if children are raised with religious and cultural values, they are more likely to incorporate moral values into their personal identity. 

Further, I’d tell him to ensure that his children are adequately educated academically and ethically, above all else. Invest your time to teach them the right values and share your life lessons. Your legacy is embodied in your children.

Importantly, I would tell him to engage in the day to day running of his family to provide not just financial, but more crucially, emotional and spiritual support. Therefore, I would tell him to pay more attention to the inner feelings and anxieties of his spouse and children — their worries should be his too. 

That he earns income to support his family is necessary but no way sufficient in his role as head of household, I would tell him. 

I’d tell him to invest his energy, effort, time and resources to provide a safe and welcoming home for his family; for home is where the heart is. 

On this 37th anniversary year of our blessed marriage, I would tell him I was truly lucky to have married my soulmate. I’d tell him together we struggled, adjusted, learned, and deepened our love and we grew happily in our relationship and companionship. 

So, God willing, we look forward to another 37 years happily together.

In sum, I’d tell him to just love his spouse unconditionally. Respect her deeply. Demonstrate humility daily. Talk to her, not at her. She will do the same.