By Prof. Marilyn Okeke
The economic crisis ravaging Nigeria has far-reaching consequences, but a more insidious crisis lurks in the shadows, affecting countless women across the nation.
A staggering majority of Nigerian women do not experience pleasure during sex, while men consistently enjoy higher orgasm rates and sexual pleasure.
A comprehensive survey of over 2400 men and women aged 18-65 across all 36 states and the FCT reveals this disturbing trend. The sample, comprising 55% women and 45% men, included 52% married and 48% single women, as well as an equal split between married and single men.
Respondents reported their average rate of orgasm and pleasure during sexual intercourse on a scale of 0% to 100%.
Nigerian men reported significantly higher orgasm rates than women across all age groups, ranging from 65% to 90%, while women’s rates stagnated between 37% and 52%.
The survey’s findings indicate that men’s pleasure rates far surpass those of women, with no discernible impact from educational or professional status.
Women holding prestigious positions, such as bank managers in urban cities such as Lagos, were just as likely to experience a lack of sexual pleasure as undereducated and unemployed housewives in rural areas such as Ohafia.
This pleasure gap has profound implications for the lives of many women, particularly those in heterosexual relationships. Closing the orgasm and pleasure gap is a national imperative for Nigerian men.
This hidden epidemic points to an alarming state of sexual dissatisfaction among Nigerian women. Studies have shown that societies in which the sexual satisfaction of women is higher are more likely to raise healthy and happy families.
When women are sexually fulfilled, they tend to have better relationship quality, which in turn leads to healthier family dynamics. This satisfaction also translates to more effective parenting, well nurtured children, stronger family bonds, and improved mental health.
By prioritizing women’s sexual satisfaction, Nigerian families can reap numerous benefits, leading to a more harmonious and thriving family environment, especially in this time of hardship and stress across the nation.
These findings suggest that prioritizing women’s sexual satisfaction can have a positive impact on family well-being and society.
The stories of Nigerian women bring to light this disparity. Because of the sensitivity of the subject, none agreed to be cited by full name.
Ayobami is 36 year old married woman in Ibadan. In a phone interview, she said this about his husband, with noticeable anger, “most nights he comes home drunk while I’m already asleep. He shakes me up and I can smell the alcohol in his breath as he mounts me forcibly to satisfy his sexual urge. I just lay there praying for it to be over with. Luckily, it never lasts long. Soon he’d be snoring while I sob. This is a normal occurrence.”
Ebere, a nurse in Abuja, shares a deeply personal experience that resonates with many women in similar situations. She recounts, “From the day I got married, sex became a duty—something I owed my husband, like ensuring his meal is served every day, exactly when and how he wants it. He enjoys his meal alone, and sex is no different. He gets it on his terms, and it brings him pleasure. But for me, it’s not about enjoyment; it’s about obligation. My feelings and desires don’t matter to him. I’ve never known what sexual pleasure means, nor do I expect to. For me, sex is simply a means to have children.”
Fatima, a school teacher in Kano, shares a heartbreaking reality that she faces in her marriage of eight years. She confides, “I’m the youngest of his four wives, and it feels like I’m his preferred choice for sex. After a long day at school, the moment I step into the house, all he wants is sex. On weekends, he sometimes forces me to have sex with him two or three times, regardless of how I feel. My consent doesn’t matter. Saying no is not an option—it’s considered a crime that leads to abuse and harassment. I’ve never experienced any pleasure in sex. It’s often physically painful, and even more so, it’s emotionally devastating.”
Why the Gap Exists
The reasons for this pleasure gap are multifaceted. For example, the experiences shared by the three women indicate that in Nigeria’s patriarchal society, women are socialized to prioritize men’s needs, including their sexual desires and preferences, over their own.
Another contributing factor is the lingering effects of clitoral circumcision, especially in older women, and the focus of Nigerian men on penetration rather than clitoral stimulation further exacerbate the issue. The good news is that clitoral circumcision is becoming a relic of the past in many parts of the country.
In general, research has conclusively shown that the majority of women require clitoral massage to achieve orgasm and experience sexual pleasure. Unfortunately for Nigerian women, many Nigerian men haven’t received this notice!
Moreover, Nigerian sex partners often neglect to explore what constitutes a satisfying sexual encounter for both parties. This includes essential elements like emotional and physical connection, a conducive environment, timing, trust, and comfort.
The majority of women surveyed revealed a profound lack of emotional intimacy in their relationships, leaving them feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.
Furthermore, they often faced coercive and insensitive demands for sex from their partners, who prioritized their own desires above their women’s comfort and consent.
Heartbreakingly, many women reported being pressured into sex when they were exhausted, asleep, or when their partners were intoxicated, stripping them of their autonomy and agency over their own bodies.
This disturbing pattern of disregard for women’s boundaries and needs underscores the urgent need for a paradigm shift in Nigerian society, one that prioritizes mutual respect, emotional connection, and enthusiastic consent in all sexual encounters.
The notion that women’s sexual pleasure is secondary must be discredited and discarded. Nigerian women have equal rights to sexual pleasure, and this right must be acknowledged and respected, starting in the bedroom.
Women need to discover what brings them pleasure and feel confident communicating their desires to their partners. In turn, partners must foster a trusting relationship, empowering women to express their sexual desires openly.
Access to and acceptance of vibrators and lubricants, as well as other sexual wellness tools and resources, should be promoted and normalized. This can help bridge the pleasure gap by empowering women to take control of their own sexual satisfaction and explore their desires in a safe and healthy way.
Additionally, incorporating comprehensive sex education and workshops on sexual pleasure, communication, and consent into community programs at the local government level can help create a society where women’s sexual fulfillment is prioritized and celebrated.
Finally, Nigerian men must do their job with mindfulness and care. Taking a more “clitoral approach to sex,” activities that are typically thought of as foreplay, like manual and oral stimulation is part of that job requirement.
By breaking down stigmas surrounding sexual health and pleasure, we can foster a culture that values and supports women’s sexual agency and autonomy.
By bridging the pleasure gap, we can revolutionize the sexual experiences of Nigerian women, transforming them from mere recipients of pleasure to active participants and equals in the bedroom. The time for change is now.
